Friday, 20 October 2017

New Outlook On Life - Choosing Happy

For the last year to 18 months, life has been incredibly stressful. I can't say exactly why, because it's not my story to tell, but it's definitely affected my life as well.

I'm pleased to say that chapter of life is over now, and life can carry on as usual. Although I don't really want it to go on "as usual". I now know what it's like not to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want. Most days my mental health was so badly affected that I couldn't even be bothered to leave the sofa all day, let alone actually do something with my time.

I appreciate life more now, I think. I have a more positive outlook on life, and I'm eager to start a new adventure. Even going for a walk down the river seems so much better now.

I'm not entirely sure if this is a post regarding my new-found appreciation for life or if it's about my mental health.

I'm more motivated, I want to eat better, I care more about my health than my looks. Our home seems bigger, brighter. the wind and rain feel nice. it's as if I'd forgotten how to feel these things, because that's exactly what was in my head. Now it's lifted, I can feel again.

It's crazy how much things can affect you. I just kind of pushed it to the back of my mind, trying to forget about it, and some days I could convince myself that there was nothing to worry about. Thinking back over this last year to 18 months, really even on those days where I thought I'd forgotten, I hadn't. There was still a cloud hanging over whatever I did. I had no motivation, no reason to do anything.

I've been depressed, and I still have my bad days, but this felt different. It was almost like being in a prison. But I'm sure that's what depression can feel like to some, so maybe that's not a right way to describe it.

I'm not sure I have the right words to describe the feeling. All I know is that now I'm free, it's all over, and I hope to never be in that position again.

Some reckon I should be angry at the person who indirectly caused this to happen to me. I don't know this person, and now that it's over I really have absolutely no energy or space for any more negativity in my life. I don't want more worry or stress or overthinking. I've done enough of it to last me a lifetime.

So I'm not angry at anyone. I'm a little disappointed, sure, but now I feel I have my life back, why would I want to waste it on worrying about the person who made it so hard in the first place?

I'm choosing my happiness over worrying about someone I have never met. Surely that's not hard to understand?

Bella x

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